The Different Perfection Series
by IlovetowriteSMP
Summary: Slash Short Stories. When Johnny is in a car accident the truth about his relationship with Lucky is revealed.
1. Perfection, Nadine and Leyla

_**A Certain Kind of Perfection**_

"Morning, luv," she whispers to me. I adore when she calls me that. It's a British thing. It doesn't mean she's in love with me, I know, but when she says it, somewhere in my little always hungry heart, I believe she does.

Because I want to believe.

"Good morning. Oh! I should probably hurry up and jump in the shower. Got lots to do today." I never stay in bed long after the alarm sounds because it is just too tempting to reach over and caress her, to bring my lips to hers, to press her back on the mattress and finally, for the first time ever, really explore her body.

I hurry to stand up but my eyes stay on her. She's gorgeous when she first wakes up.

"You bolt from a bed faster than anyone I've ever seen." She stretches, looking wild and elegant all at once.

I'm crazy about her. There's no doubt about it anymore. For a long time I thought it was something less than romantic love...but that was just me fooling myself.

I've fallen in love with a woman- with the most amazing woman I ever met, Leyla Mir.

It all started when I was the needy new girl in town who ached for her friendship, who needed her desperately and she seemed to see that and take me as her own from the start. She gave me somewhere to live, a home, a family...in her....she became my best friend, my closest confidant and my whole world, really.

But I have never been hers. She belongs to Bianca Montgomery. Her perfect girlfriend who will probably one day be her perfect wife, and they will raise little Miranda as their perfectly lovely daughter. Together they are the modern American Ideal family.

Leyla has this whole world that doesn't include me. Still there are moments when it is just me and her that feel like a certain kind of perfection all of its own.

Some nights we share the same bed. It started after Matt Hunter let me scrub in on a surgery of this ten year old little boy who was hit by a car while riding his bike home from school. When he flatlined, and we couldn't get him back, something in me broke.

I lay in bed that night, sobbing. Leyla came into my darkened room, murmuring soothing words in her husky British accent, and then she crawled into bed with me, wrapping her arms around me from behind and nuzzling her face into my neck, making me feel safe and protected.

"Well my Aunt Raylene always said the early bird gets the best worm."

She giggles. "An Aunt Raylene mention two minutes into the day, that must be a new record."

I smile, wondering if she can tell that the last thing I want to do is leave this room. In this room, she is all mine. In this room, she loves me. In this room, I am hers and I know my place in the world. Here everything feels right and out there everything feels wrong, unsure and shaky.

I never expected to fall for Leyla. To be madly in love with someone I never even kissed, let alone a woman when I have only been with men. Two men, and neither time was anything to write home about, but I didn't realize why. I didn't know that Leyla existed then, that anything like what we share now could exist at all.

Now that I know it does, I sure don't know what to do about it. Do I blow apart her world and say_ Be with me instead of Bianca. Love me. Marry me. We can buy a farm and raise horses, chicken and babies together. _

She loves Bianca. They were together before I even moved to Port Charles. She doesn't belong only to me. So why does it feel like she should? Am I fooling myself? All I know is she's who I want to spend my life right beside.

"I know my Aunt Raylene sayings drive everyone nuts. Sorry." I move to the dresser and pull some scrubs, bra and panties out of the drawers.

Leyla sits up. "They don't drive me nearly as batty as they used to. They're you."

In the mirror, I watch her, she smiles gracefully and my heart flips over. How could I not fall in love with her?

"Yep, me. Don't know that it's a good thing but its definitely me. You must think I'm so silly sometimes."

"Dreadfully silly," she says, throwing a pillow at me.

A laugh bursts from my lips as I toss it back at her. "I'm serious. You grew up in London. And Bianca lived in Paris. You are both world travelers and you speak more than one language. I'm just a girl off a farm in Ohio. Port Charles is the furthest I've ever been from home."

"Well, we could visit Europe in the Spring, if you want. I could show you London, Paris, Rome, Provence."

"You would do that for me?"

"Why wouldn't I? You're my best friend, Nadine." She crawls out of bed. My eyes quickly drift over her lingerie clad body, a stark contrast to me in my flannel pajamas, then I jerk my eyes away.

"It's a nice idea but I could never afford it."

"I'm sure Bianca would loan us her family's jet. Her sister is married to a very rich man, you know, and we could stay at hostels."

"Bianca....she probably wouldn't like the idea."

Leyla pulls on her robe and asks casually "Why not?"

"Well, you're her girlfriend and she would miss you if you were gone for weeks. And I wouldn't blame her a bit if she raised holy hell if you even mentioned it."

"Binks?"

"Right. Right. She's way too refined to do that."

Leyla walks past me. "You really shouldn't move so slow, luv."

I freeze. "What? What do you mean?"

With laughter in her voice she teases "You missed out on your chance to take the first shower."

Leyla leaves the room, while I plop down on the bed, sighing. A trip to Europe with her. My dream come true.

Sure, it won't be ideal, I know that. We won't walk around holding hands and kissing underneath the stars. But it will be a certain sort of perfect, all the same, our sort of perfect.

And maybe, one day, if I wait long enough, Leyla will see that she doesn't need to go out in the world and seek Bianca to fill her needs....she already has all she needs right here in our home, in our bed, with me.

I used to want to marry a prince. Not anymore. I have the love I want now. She just doesn't know that when she calls me luv....I hear _I love you, too._

**THE END**


	2. Little Girl Crushes, Maxie and Lulu

Prompt: Deception- lying eyes

**Little Girl Crushes**

**May 2009**

**Lulu Spencer**

"Kate is gonna fire us both for this for sure!"

"Its not our fault the elevator is stuck between floors."

"There are no excuses in fashion. Its get the job done or get out of the way for somebody who can get the job done. I'm calling Spinelli. Maybe he can hack into the system and get us moving....damn, no signal."

"Chill."

"Easy for you to say! This is my career. Its just your job. You can quit anytime."

"I'm not quitting so shut up."

Our eyes meet. She knows why I won't quit. She's finally figured it out. But she's scared to know. Scared of me. Scared of this thing between us. Maxie is more terrified than I am, can you believe it? But being terrified is only slowing us down. Not stopping us. We're getting closer and closer to the line and I can't seem to find the energy to fight against it.

Why should I?

I've been in love with guys and been screwed by guys and cried over guys. But its only this one girl that seems to more than interest me...like those guys did....she consumes my mind. What first made me ever crush on her was the fact she seemed to never be scared of anything at all. Sure it was just a front. I get that now. She was quaking inside, like I am every second, but back then I didn't knowthat. She was fierce. More than pretty and more than sexy. She was everything all the boys wanted. Everything I wanted to be and know and feel. Fantasies of her being my best friend- making me popular and cool and loved- filled my head every day and night, rather than the reality of the loneliness that ate awat at me. I wanted to be loved by her. Be her.

Till I heard she was screwing Lucky. What a fucking bitch. I swear my life took a dark turn that day, a turn that allowed me to hurt people I claimed to love- people I did love, though no one believes it- and a turn that led me to become crazier than she ever was. I hated everything about her. From that skinny little body of hers to those blue lying eyes. Whore. I slapped her so many times I lost count. Screamed myself raw over her. She messed up Lucky's life and her own and Liz's and mine.

She wasn't somebody to want to be like at all.

Around that time, for the first time, I'd find myself laying in bed, my hands in my panties, thinking it was me she was desperate to have and not him. I didn't admit what that meant back then. Everyone fantasizes, right? A couple of years later she walked into my room at the mental hospital....like she couldn't stay away....and my heart flipped over. She was such a bitch, but I took her back, because little girl crushes die hard.

Now our lives are all twisted together and I don't want to find a way to untwist them. She's flattened against the wall of the elevator, her hands nervously mashing together. Probably afraid this will turn into a repeat of that day when she was in the kitchen at our place and I was reaching past her and our heads turned....for one moment it didn't matter that Johnny was in the next room.

"What's your problem? Claustrophobic or something, Maxie?"

"Of course not! I just don't like being stuck. I have work to do."

"Its okay if you're freaking out. So am I."

"I'm not freaking out."

I roll my eyes as she insists "You don't know what you're talking about!"

I hear that a lot from her. But she's always lied more than told the truth so its what I expect. I tell her "I'm a little scared...I admit it, okay? I don't like this. We could plunge to our deaths at any moment."

"Don't say that! Damn. You're so depressing."

"What if we did? What if we died today?"

"Shut up already."

"Oh my God. We could die, Maxie."

Just a game. A silly game. But we both play it so well. She wraps her arms around me, like I knew she would.

"We're not dying, Lulu, and Kate isn't gonna fire us. God. You need me so bad. You couldn't get through life without me here helping you cope."

I don't say anything back. But its true.

**November 2009**

**Maxie Jones**

(The dawn is breaking. A light shining through.I 'm barely waking and I'm tangled up in you)

Who the hell would have known that this is all I needed to feel sane again? To take the confusion away. To lift the pain off me for more than five freaking seconds.I swear I thought this was just some perverted little fantasy. But its not.

Lulu is laying on her stomach next to me. Naked. Drooling- which I'm so gonna make fun of her for later- and asleep still. I lean over and drop a kiss on her freckle laced shoulder. She will say that I wanted this for years but the truth is that I didn't know till last night that I could really be with her.

I was crying and she kissed me and suddenly I just needed more. I needed her. Soft, sweet, bitchy, whiny, needy, scared, brave, trying so hard to grow up, Lulu. That's who I needed to make love to me last night. And she did.

I kiss her shoulder again and then her neck and then her earlobe. I know she will wake up and she does. She moans softly and my body presses against hers beneath the blankets. I intertwine our fingers, just as her eyes drift open. There are no lies there anymore. She's completely revealed to me. I wonder if anyone else knows her like I do.

(I'm open. You're closed. Where I follow, you'll go. I worry I won't see your face,light up again.)

Smirking I tell her "You do know you still owe me some pay back."

She smiles widely. God. Great smile. Really.

"You'll get your payback."

Her kiss promises she's not running away anytime soon.

(Don't stop now. I lost my place. I'm close behind. Even the best fall down sometimes. Even the wrong words seem to rhyme. Out of the doubt that fills my mind,you finally find you and I collide. ) (Howie Day)

**THE END**

Do I love the fantasy of these two?

Fuck yeah I do.

If you like Maxlu then check out the M rated Whatever's Left by K. Constantine


	3. Enigma, part one, Spinelli and Logan

**Enigma**

**Part One**

**Spinelli and Logan, revised history**

"You're not who you say you are, Jack." The words were cold and biting as the man circled him, his gun shaking slightly in his hand.

Shaking not because the man holding it was scared. It was because he was in a rage. One deep, dark, and red enough to end with blood all over the floor tonight.

"You don't want to do this."

"Do what? What do you think I got in mind? Huh? TALK!"

"I can see you're distressed-"

"Cut the bullshit. I'm warning you right now."

Sitting there in the chair, as his mind raced, it stuck him as ironic how many times before he had suspects in the position he now found himself in. Handcuffed to a chair being interrogated. But those suspects had right to counsel, the right to shut the fuck up for their own good, and the right to sue if they got smacked around.

Sadly- at present- Damian Spinelli was lacking all those rights. And he was wondering why he didn't just stay in college instead of agreeing to go undercover for the FBI. He did such a good job down in Florida that they shipped him up to Port Charles, put him in the path of Alcazar and waited for the pieces to fall in place.

Nearly got him a bullet in the head with that crazy scheme. He tried to flee home to his granny and give the whole thing up but it was way too late. The wheels were in motion. He ended up deep undercover. So deep that he stopped knowing who he was, who he loved (Winnie meant the world to him in Quantico but here there was something missing), and how he could go through with what he was expected to do.

He was being pulled from every side.

There was a part of him that simply wanted love. That's all. Just to be loved and be known and be protected by someone. To be forgiven. To be accepted. That's probably why he enjoyed living with Stone Cold so much. That father figure he always needed. That strong man he always wanted to be himself.

More than a job. His favorite fantasy. His closest friend. But never his lover.

Spinelli gave that honor to blonde girls only. Told himself that blonde girls are what a real man really wants. Until he got drunk one night and passed out on the docks. He just wanted to die- really. He couldn't live with the guilt and secrets anymore.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

**Months Before**

He woke up and realized he was sleeping on Logan's couch- wearing only a pair of boxers. The mob solider was laying on the bed across the room- dressed in a pair of low riding jeans. Spinelli tried to stumble to the bathroom and tripped on his own feet. That woke Logan up.

Logan propped himself up on his elbows. "You're alive. Huh. I was betting you'd choke on your own vomit in your sleep. Guess I was a little off."

"What am I doing so scantily attired in your humble abode?" Spinelli glanced down at his nearly nude body.

"You don't remember? I'm hurt." Logan got out of bed and walked into the bathroom. He started to piss without closing the door.

Spinelli looked around for his clothes but didn't see them. His head was throbbing. His body was sore. Worse of all he wondered if he said something- or God forbid did something- that he would live to regret.

"Uh...The Jackal...is a little foggy on the events of last evening."

Logan washed his hands, face, and brushed his teeth, while Spinelli kept searching for his clothes- fruitlessly. He felt completely vulnerable. If he didn't check in like he was supposed to every twelve hours, by posting a message on a video game message board, then the Feds might think he had gone missing. That meant the case would be blown when they moved in to search for him- hoping to save his life before he was killed by Mr. Corinthos Sir. They would assume he was compromised if he broke protocol.

Though he didn't love Winnie anymore, he still ached to think of her worrying about him like that. He had last posted at nine pm so he had till nine am to post again. What time was it anyway?

He was so tired of living this way. That's why he got drunk at the Haunted Star last night. He couldn't make his fake persona work. He couldn't be what Maxie wanted. He couldn't be who he wanted. He couldn't please Jason enough. He couldn't save Jason anymore.

No one even knew him. He was completely alone in the world and now he was stuck with The Unworthy One playing mind games with him. How did he ever end up in this apartment? Was he so drunk he actually acted on his deepest desires to know the feeling of another man's lip upon his own?

Logan walked back out of the bathroom. Spinelli jumped back from him. They were not anything close to friends. In fact, Spinelli despised him. He was just the type to be a gay basher if Spinelli ever saw one. Living his whole life in fear of taking such a beating Spinelli hated to be around Logan. The man had proven several times it would not take much to make him beat down Spinelli. Spinelli sometimes wondered if he saw in him the weakness of not being able to love a woman like a real man should.

Spinelli's sin of being too feminine.

Logan told him "You passed out on the docks. Lucky for you I didn't kick you in the river. Thought about it but I didn't. You owe me."

"Did you....carry The Jackal here?"

"Make sure you tell Lulu I was nice to your punk ass."

That set Spinelli spine to a rigid stance. "May I inquire where my clothes are so I can take my leave?"

Logan was in the kitchen, digging through the fridge. "No thank you? Damn. And you call me the asshole. What the fuck, really?"

"Thank you for your assistance, as surprising as it is. If you haven't absconded with my wallet, laptop and other personal belongings may I once again take possession of them and then I'll be out of your presence again. I would prefer we never speak of this embarrassing event in the future."

Logan dumped cereal in his mouth- with some falling on the floor- and then dumped milk in his mouth and swallowed. Spinelli grimaced.

For all the uncouth ways of this man he had a body built for sex. Tanned like he baked beneath the sun's rays for long hours that summer, muscled from time spent in the gym, lean lines around his hips, strong arms to hold his lover up.

Feeling himself get overheated, Spinelli went on "I must insist you grant me my belongings immediately!"

It seemed Logan was getting off on torturing Spinelli- which was nothing new- because he smirked in response to that. "And if I don't? What you gonna do? Tell on me?"

He laughed.

Spinelli's hands fluttered. This moron was going to get Spinelli killed or blow his case or make him reveal himself- if Logan spotted the growing hardness inside Spinelli's boxers, as he watched Logan's half clothed body move around the apartment. "Unworthy One, I will not ask you again. Behave as a gentleman that you have never been before and return to me my clothes at once!"

"Relax. Your clothes are over there in the dryer. You threw up all over them. Get them on and get the hell out. Do you really think I'm trying to keep you around here?"

There was a built in washer and dryer in the kitchen, behind a door that was currently opened.

Spinelli slid past Logan, yanked open the dryer and scooped up his clothes. "Thank you for washing my garments."

Logan shook his head. "Why can't you act normal? What the fuck is your problem anyway?"

Spinelli wondered that about himself all the time. He fought back tears and headed into the bathroom. He went to the bathroom, washed up, and got dressed quickly. Hurrying out of there he said "Would you happen to know the time?"

"10:30."

Fear raced through Spinelli. He was late for checking in. Perhaps if he hurried disaster could still be averted. He spotted his shoes and his laptop bag- Logan must have gotten them from wherever he stashed them before- and hurried to put them on. "The Jackal is late for an appointment. Thank you for your graciousness to me last evening, though it leaves me baffled why you bothered. I must take my leave now."

He rushed out the door with Logan's eyes- always dangerous like a hunter about to take down his prey- watching Spinelli as he took every step across the room.

That day was the first time Spinelli and Logan connected. But it was not the last. The next time Spinelli was wasted he drunk dialed Logan. "It is I, The Jackal."

With a laugh, Logan asked "And why the fuck are you bothering me at two thirty five in the effin morning?"

"I must have an answer for my inquiry. It is weighing on my mind. Why did you assist the Jackal that night I was inebriated on the docks?"

"I told you. So you'd talk me up to Lulu. You couldn't even do that for me though. Thanks for nothing."

"The Blonde One is completely wrong for you on every conceivable level."

"You ain't got no business deciding what's right for me. Keep your damn nose out of my business and, the next time you get drunk, don't even think about calling my number. Just wait till I catch up with your ass in daylight." Click.

Spinelli learned months later that Logan's anger came from the fact he didn't like admitting his latent attraction to males. He had only acted on it with one other man. Until Spinelli. Until the night when Spinelli was completely wrecked and he stumbled through Logan's door, drunk again. He got drunk when he didn't want to think anymore of how much he was a failure. And, more and more often, he thought of Logan when his mind was rum soaked. Logan with no shirt on. Logan's muscles. Logan's care of him that night. Carrying him home, undressing him, cleaning his clothes. There was something intimate about that and it made Spinelli think that Logan could care more about him- at least as a person- then he ever showed.


	4. Enigma, part two

**Enigma**

**Part Two**

**Spinelli and Logan, revised history**

"What the hell are you doing here?" Logan had asked him, when Spinelli tripped inside and fell onto Logan's couch.

Spinelli was shivering. The Feds were applying pressure to him. Soon they would take down Jason and Spinelli couldn't stop it from happening. Spinelli would rather die than help to imprison Stone Cold but it was just too late to stop what was in motion. Spinelli was a Fed. He wasn't Jason's grasshopper. In the end, it would all come out and then Spinelli would be done for.

"The Jackal is in need of counsel."

Logan slammed the door closed. "Why would you want my advice? You hate me."

"That is a grand overstatement. You anger me. But you also seem to be the one person who will tell me the honest truth without holding anything back for the sake of my feelings. So tell me, Unworthy One, tell me......if a man has no honor is he still a man? Should he even allow himself to keep breathing?"

Logan tensed. "You saying I ain't no kind of man and I should kill myself?"

"You are mistaken. I speak just of myself."

Logan sat down next to him. "What are you going on about this time?"

"I have disgraced myself. Tell me.....do you believe in Hell? Do you think a soul goes to the fiery depths of Satan's realm if they commit the ultimate sin of taking their own life?"

For a long moment their eyes held. It was so intense- reminding Spinelli how unreal he was, how he hid so much of himself from the world- that Spinelli's eyes filled with tears. They welled and started to roll down his cheeks.

"The Jackal must depart!" he cried. He knew a man like Logan would go on the attack at such a sign of weakness. Suddenly he was scared for himself, that he could be attacked, when just moments before he was talking about suicide.

Logan jerked him back down when he tried to stand up. "Just hold on. Are you saying you wanna end it all?"

Spinelli sat there shivering. Logan started to talk about how a guy in his unit killed himself and how hard it was on that guy's family and on the other soldiers. "Don't go doing nothing drastic. What's so bad about your life anyway, huh?"

"Secrets. I am an enigma. It is unbearable." Spinelli tried to leave again. "I must take my leave. It was a mistake to come here."

"You ain't gonna get far drunk off your ass. You might as well just crash here."

Spinelli wiped the tears off his cheeks. "The Jackal can not burden you in that way again."

"Just shut up and stay."

Even though Logan was gruff it did seem like he cared if Spinelli lived or died. That was attractive to Spinelli. More than just attractive. It was like a force that pulled Spinelli in. He was so afraid he was about to lose Jason forever, that Lulu would hate him, that he would be revealed to be a liar. He used to believe in being an FBI agent. It was like being a superhero. But that was before he had a family with Jason. Now he believed in that more than anything. It was all crumbling around him. He was losing everything, himself, his honor. If Jason hated him then Spinelli would not exist anymore. He would be as good as dead. He just wanted to die. The only thing that kept him from feeling that way is that Logan might, deep down, care about him.

With his lips quivering Spinelli said "It would be better if I just left this mortal coil."

Logan leaned close to him, invading his space, and making Spinelli gasp. Logan hissed "I said shut up."

"I am the unworthy one. I deserve not to live anymore. Who I am is shameful."

"Shut...." his hands pushed Spinelli down onto the couch "up."

Spinelli couldn't even catch his breath. This was his worst nightmare- to be attacked- and his best fantasy all in one. "You're hurting me."

Logan's hands were rough as the pushed into Spinelli's shoulders. "You're hurting yourself!"

"I am confused by what you mean....remove yourself from my person."

Logan's voice was rough like sandpaper when he said "You hate yourself so much you wanna die. Fucking pathetic." He seemed to be lost in another world. His eyes were lit up with all these unnamable emotions. Spinelli couldn't breath or think enough to figure them out.

Logan went on, as his mouth moved close to Spinelli's, "You think I don't know what you are. I know. You ain't fooling nobody." Then Logan gave him a punishing kiss that made Spinelli cling to him.

He had never been kissed by a man before. Never known the taste of a man. Never known this feeling anywhere but in his mind.

Before Spinelli could recover his senses, Logan stood up, jerked Spinelli to his feet, drug him over to the bed and demanded "Strip."

"What? The Jackal surely can not do that at this present time. I am not even quite sure what is going on between us."

Logan grabbed at the bottom of Spinelli's shirt. "Take your fucking clothes off. NOW!"

Shaking, Spinelli undressed. He left on his boxers. Logan looked him up and down. There was a feral look in his eye that was sexy as hell- and completely terrifying at the same time.

Logan snapped Spinelli's waistband. "Off!"

Spinelli was shaking as he let the boxers fall to the ground, revealing his half hard erection. He felt shame course through him.

Logan pushed him down on the bed. Spinelli grasped the blanket in his sweaty hands. "Do not do this," he begged.

There was something wild and untamed in Logan's eyes. Like he was not in control of himself at all. Spinelli felt like he was floating away. His fear and desire crashed together and he was losing his grip on reality and himself.

Logan kicked off his shoes. He jerked off his shirt and his pants. Spinelli tried to get up and run away but Logan pinned him to the bed. He rolled Spinelli on his side and then Logan wrapped his arm tight around Spinelli's waist.

Spinelli shivered and tears rolled out of his eyes. Logan wore boxers but his hard on was evident as he pressed himself against Spinelli from behind.

Spinelli hated how weak he was. All his training in the FBI still left him unable to overpower this solider. He felt foolish for thinking Logan cared about him. He just had figured out Spinelli was weak- wanting men and not women- and he wanted to take advantage of that.

With his teeth clenched, because they had been shivering in fear, Spinelli said "You will regret forcing yourself on me in this manner. It is sin you will not be able to live with. Release the Jackal.....please." The last word shamed him but he was desperate to escape now. From himself, the truth, Logan, this moment, and the reality of Spinelli's life.

"Shhhhh," Logan murmured.

The word was soft and soothing.

"Shhhh," he kept repeating as he gently rocked Spinelli. "I ain't gonna do nothing to you."

Spinelli relaxed a little. It did feel good to be in strong arms like Logan's- as long as he wouldn't make Spinelli do more than he wanted.

Logan's hand caressed Spinelli's stomach and then moved lower, brushing his dick, as Logan said "What we are ain't nothing to kill yourself over. Believe me I've thought about it and its the coward's way out."

Spinelli couldn't believe how good it felt to have a man gently stroking him like this. It didn't compare to the feeling any woman inspired in him ever. Spinelli squeezed his eyes shut, sucking in unsteady gasps of air, as he started to sweat. He leaned his head back on Logan's chest, now seeking out the feel of him, when before he was trying to scurry away.

"Shhhhh," Logan repeated again, as Spinelli softly cried, moaned, panted, and fell apart. It didn't take long for Spinelli to come. He buried his face in the pillow afterwards, feeling completely embarrassed.

Logan gently massaged Spinelli's neck until the younger man was relaxed enough to roll over and look at Logan again.

"You're spending the night," Logan said. He got out of bed and turned off all the lights in the apartment. Then he got back in bed, spooned his body behind Spinelli and said "Just go to sleep and I never want to hear no more shit about you killing yourself."

After that night they often got together. Spinelli felt like maybe- just maybe- someone actually loved him. Someone who understood who he was inside, not who he tried to act like. The superhero called The Jackal. To Logan he became just Jack. And when they were alone, doing all the things no one knew they did, it felt like Spinelli was okay. He wasn't a mess anymore. He was just a little different but he was all right.

Until the day that Cooper Barrett found out everything that was going on. The only other guy Logan had ever been with. Just one time-one blow job before Cooper said that wasn't who he was- but it didn't matter because they were bonded for life now. They were everything to each other. They understood everything about each other. They would do anything for each other. The jealousy between them was intense. And that jealousy, loyalty and bond made Cooper tell Logan that Spinelli was a Fed. Spinelli could get Logan sent to prison for life.

Cooper was a very good man. But he could be a very bad man if that is what it took to protect Logan.

Still he didn't want Spinelli dead. Not really. Yet he let his jealousy unleash Logan onto Spinelli. Then Cooper got called into work....before he could stop Logan from tracking Spinelli down.


	5. Enigma, part three

**Enigma **

**Part Three**

**Spinelli and Logan, revised history**

"Joe?" Spinelli's tentative voice echoed as he walked into the warehouse.

This place had been shut down the day Michael Corinthos was shot and never re-opened since. He had no clue why Logan wanted to meet him here.

When they were in public they were not friends. Logan was The Unworthy One and they barely ever said a nice word to each other. But when they were alone at his place- in the middle of the night- they were buddies. They did more than have sex. They played video games and they talked and they cooked together. They watched horror and action flicks. They even wrestled. Spinelli felt like he was figuring out himself by figuring out Logan and how to be with Logan. It was a fascinating psychological study actually. How Logan used anger to mask pain, confusion, anxiety, and insecurities. Yet he was strong enough to take all of those things away from Spinelli.

When they were alone together he never called Logan The Unworthy One. Instead he called him Hayes or Joe- from

G. I. Joe.

He considered him a good friend now. They never talked about loving each other but Logan was truly the best love that Spinelli ever knew. The most real. Winnie was a wonderful memory, Lulu a great friend and always in his heart, Maxie a beautiful creature he wished he could have made happier, and Jason was his ultimate fantasy. But Logan was real. What they shared was secret but real.

Finally Spinelli felt all right about living a life of deception.

For now he had little choice in the matter anyway.

Spinelli never saw the punch coming. He rounded the corner and there he was hit hard in the face. Blackness rushed at him.

When he woke up he was handcuffed to a chair. Plastic was on the ground. And Logan was circling him with a look in his eyes that said he was beyond listening to reason.

A gun was shaking in his hand. "You fucking liar!"

"I....I....Could you put that gun down? Surely you don't intend to cause me harm. Think about the reprecussions of such a rash action."

"You know what I'm thinking about? How you're not who you say you are, Jack."

"You don't want to do this."

"Do what? What do you think I got in mind? Huh? TALK!"

"I can see you're distressed-"

"Cut the bullshit. I'm warning you right now."

"What is it you think I have done to anger you?"

Logan walked in front of the chair and placed the gun at Spinelli's forehead. "Bang."

Spinelli startled. He swallowed hard.

Logan snarled "Didn't I tell you no more bullshit? Now you are gonna tell me why you did this to me and I better like what I hear....I better believe you....you better make it sound real good....cause if I think you are lying, Jack, you....are....a dead man."

"Put the gun down first."

Logan set the gun on an overturned crate. "You happy now?"

"Uncuff me." Spinelli was breathing hard. He couldn't believe that this man he trusted wanted to murder him.

Yet he did believe it. He often wondered if Jason would do this same thing if he knew the truth. Had Logan told Jason already? Was he gonna come in the door soon?

"Not gonna happen."

"This is a federal crime you are perpetrating!"

"Um-hmmm. And your point?" Logan stalked closer to him. "You know all about the law, don't you?"

"I am aware of the law, yes. Its important to know it to keep Stone Cold safe."

"Shut the fuck up with that cover story! Its over, Spinelli. Over. So tell me the whole truth because it might be your last chance to ever tell anyone anything again."

"I understand you feel betrayed but you don't have to fear imprisonment. You can cut a deal. Turn state's evidence. I can assist you. Uncuff me and we'll discuss specifics."

Logan crouched in front of him. He palmed Spinelli's cheek and caressed it roughly. "Just tell me.....were you working me to make a collar? Like you worked Morgan and Corinthos. Was I even your first? Or was that all an act?

Did you even give a damn about me past what I let slip about the business? The things Jason wouldn't let you close to. Huh? Did you see in me how I wanted you and used me? Did you think it was funny to work me? Did ya, huh? ANSWER ME, DAMMIT!"

"I assure you my feelings are all true and deep. They consume me. I would die for you to live. And it looks like you would gladly kill me to spare yourself having to look at me while knowing who I really am. Do you understand now the reason I came to you that night wishing to exit this earthly plane? Is it clear at last?"

Logan stood up. He walked behind Spinelli and undid the handcuffs. Spinelli felt so shaky and weak he didn't even know if he could stand.

He slowly got on his feet. His eyes darted all around. They landed on the gun. Then they moved back to Logan. Spinelli was closer to the gun than Logan.

Logan hissed out "Go for it."

Spinelli knew he could get to the gun. But would he be able to actually use it? Use it on the person he fell in love with. Why did every joy in his life have to come hand-in-hand with such pain? How could this be fair and just?

Spinelli asked "Who have you told about me?"

"Your secret is safe. I know that's all you give a damn about right? Keeping secrets. You're so good at it."

"How did you even learn the true nature of my allegiance?"

"Don't you fucking worry about that." Logan was panting with pain.

"The Jackal must concern himself with that because it is imperative to my mission."

"You think I'm gonna blow your cover? I know enough about you to ruin your life. Maybe I should. Maybe I should end you so I can protect me. But I can't."

"Why can't you?"

As crazy as it sounded, even while Spinelli was still thinking about going for the gun, he wanted to hear Logan say _Because I love you_.

Logan answered "Because I buy your story about giving a damn about me. Either you really do or you're the best liar I ever met. Either way you get to live. Lucky you."

Spinelli slowly moved toward Logan. Logan stiffened.

Spinelli said "I never set out to hurt or betray anyone. I have a job to do and by my oath I must complete it. If there is any way possible to protect you then you have my word I shall do so to the best of my abilities but it would be wise for you to distance yourself from Mr. Sir and Stone Cold as soon as possible, without causing alarm for your sudden change in career aspirations. This will all be over soon and then we can-"

"I said you get to live. Not that you still get me."

Spinelli stilled. Green eyes met blue and the last of the air in the room disappeared. Spinelli felt the room spin. He thought he might pass out.

Somehow this was just as bad as when he feared he was about to be murdered.

"The Jackal would have told you the truth if it did not compromise everything I swore to uphold."

"You would have told me the truth if you trusted me. You don't. Cooper trusts me. He's got my back. If you go ratting to your bosses about this then Cooper will get me out of trouble...in a way you probably ain't gonna like so I wouldn't try it if I was you. Cooper told me all about you. You rat him out and I'll say you were the one who blew your own cover. I'll make sure everyone knows just how you spend your nights when you're not in that pink bedroom of yours. Don't try me and don't fuck up Cooper's career."

"The Clean Cut Cadet surely benefits most from this revelation you've had about The Jackal. I hope you see that."

Logan headed for his gun. Spinelli didn't do anything to stop him. Logan shoved it in his holster. "Don't get yourself killed over this bullshit job you have."

Spinelli nodded. "I offer the same advice to you."

"I know I scared you today. I told myself I'd never do that again."

"I hurt you."

"It don't matter none anymore. Cause we ain't got enough between us to even be honest. So what does it matter if you think I'm some kind of psychotic mad man and I think you're a hell of a lot more into Morgan than you ever were me? Huh? It don't matter now. Nothing matters anymore." Logan headed for the door. "Get your collar, Agent."

All the strength in Spinelli's body left him. He collapsed onto a wooden crate. Sitting there, breathing heavily, looking at the plastic on the ground, he wondered why he didn't hate Logan.

Maybe because Logan was the only person who knew the truth about Spinelli and had made him feel okay about that truth- about being homosexual. Made him feel accepted. Made him feel understood.

Their connection ran so deep. Spinelli could forgive anything. Even what happened today.

Cooper might think he ruined Logan and Spinelli- with the excuse of saving Logan from Spinelli's attempts to arrest him- but he didn't ruin them completely.

They might be over but Spinelli still loved Logan. And the look in Logan's eyes when he ranted about their broken trust said that Logan loved Spinelli too.

Spinelli took out his phone and called Raynor. "I've been compromised."

The secrets would all come out. Maybe when this was over Spinelli could go to Logan and ask for a second chance. Forgive him for today and ask for Logan to trust him again. Maybe that was just wishful thinking.

It was hard to let go of a first love. Hard to let go of someone when they were the only one on earth who really knew you at all.

Spinelli was not ready to give up. To never feel Logan's lips on his again. Instead he was, finally, ready to face up to the fact that he had to take down Sonny and Jason. The sooner the better. Because he couldn't be completely honest with Logan till his case was over.

And now, more than ever, as he missed the feel of Logan holding him and Logan's broken eyes staring into his, Spinelli wanted to find a way to put the pain behind them and keep this first love of theirs going a little longer.

**THE END**


	6. Blue, Lucas and Jason, drabble

**Two  
Blue**

"Sunscreen?"

Don't breath. Don't even glance his way. Just act normal. "Sure."

I take the bottle and squirt some into my hand, then rub my arms and chest with it. I don't have to look at him to know every plane of his six pack abs.

"She's making dinner," he tells me, with a low, deep throated chuckle.

"God help us."

The sand beneath our feet burns like fire. The sun is scorching our skin. But there's only one reason I'm hot. And he doesn't know it. Wouldn't care. I shouldn't feel it. He lives with a guy already....and even that isn't this. Isn't what I want.

Everyone wants him though. So maybe I shouldn't hate myself so much for being just another person with the urge to lick that man from head to toe.


	7. Crossing Lines, Spinelli and Jason

Crossing Lines

Spinelli and Jason

December 2009, revised history

Jason sucked on his lover's bottom lip, eliciting a moan from the younger man, and then eased him onto his back on the couch. As their kiss intensified it freaked Jason out that it was so damn chock full of emotion.

He didn't understand this. He wasn't gay. He knew that. He had a hell of a good time with chicks. But he liked this too....he more than liked it. He craved it.

They had only kissed once before and it was out of nowhere. As Jason lay on a warehouse floor, bleeding and in and out of consciousness, after escaping into that building to hide from gunmen who had ambushed him on the street, Spinelli used the GPS in Jason's SUV to find him. Luckily it was his friend who got their first and not the men who wanted to kill Jason. As Spinelli waited for the ambulance to come he burst into hysterical tears, laying his head on Jason's chest, and that's when Jason's eyes fluttered back open. Spinelli looked up at him and gasped. Jason struggled to tell him it was okay but he was too weak to say it loudly. Spinelli had to lean right up to his mouth.

"Don't worry. I won't...leave you," Jason had whispered. Spinelli turned his head and somehow their lips brushed against each other. Spinelli froze and strangely, not even knowing what he was doing or why, just knowing he might be dying and that he wanted to, Jason applied as much pressure as he could manage and then the world went black.

When he woke back up he was in the hospital. Sam told him Spinelli had to go see his sick grandmother but that he had waited till Jason was out of surgery to leave. When Spinelli got home from Tennessee Jason immediately told him "Thanks for saving my life," but he didn't go into what else had happened.

It was weird for a while.

Spinelli spent most of his time around Maxie. They almost got married. Jason was happy for him that he had someone to love. Though their loud love making made Jason's jaw clench and his shoulders tense. He put it off to the fact he didn't like to hear anybody having sex.

Jason lost himself in Sam. She was hot enough to make him forget anything but her. Till today. When Spinelli got mad at him. And the faintest bit of panic chased through Jason's heart. He didn't want Spinelli to walk out of his life.

A part of him knew that would never happen but he couldn't help himself from apologizing for losing his temper the minute Spinelli came home. Sitting on the couch next to him Spinelli had said "I just think, perhaps, its time to consider different living arrangements. Its clear I've crossed a line with you and that you're no longer comfortable around me in the same manner you were before. Its not that I don't appreciate and need your friendship but I don't want to continue being a burden to you. I know you'd never kick me out but its clear you don't want me here and you're expressing that deep seated feeling by lashing out over trivial things."

"I'm just stressed out lately. I'm worried for Michael."

Spinelli nodded but it was clear he didn't believe Jason. "All the same I think I should leave..."

Jason clamped a hand on Spinelli's thigh. "I don't want that."

Their eyes held and then Jason was kissing his friend again. Even though he didn't understand why he wanted this. Even though it was so far from what he thought he'd ever need in his life.

When Jason finally drug his mouth away from Spinelli's the younger man's lips were bruised. Spinelli breathed out "Master," in this lust filled foggy way that said he was so far gone he didn't know up from down, right from left. That'd he had never been in this place before.

Jason wanted time to think. But he knew if he thought too long or hard about this he'd talk himself out of going any further. The fear of never having another kiss like they just shared made him let out a low growl of need, grab Spinelli and pull him back, over Jason, resting his body on top of Jason's. Holding his face still Jason attacked his lips and didn't think about when he would stop.

He just kept going and going and going....waiting to feel like he had enough and this little experiment was over...but the feeling didn't come. Ever kiss stroked the flame and made him want to see just how hot they could get if they kept going.

A little voice in the back of his head told Jason to not slow down, and dare not stop, because tomorrow would probably be the end of whatever him and Spinelli created in the last three years. He couldn't imagine anything else happening. He didn't see a future for them.

They'd came too far and felt too much. They were each other's weakness and soft spots but they couldn't really be a couple. Not them. Jason couldn't see it.

He wasn't that guy.

But he wanted this. If he could go back he'd take a lifetime of friendship over one night of sex and three years of being family. But he couldn't go back. He'd let his desire to be everything Spinelli ever needed to feel good overwhelm him. He let himself get carried away. Something that had never seemed possible before, wanting a guy, now was happening to him.

Jason planned to enjoy this night. But he didn't know how he'd live with the rest of his life with the guilt of taking him and Spinelli to a place they could never come back from.

Still, for tonight, he'd make his friend feel good, if he let him, and maybe that feeling would be enough to take Spinelli through the rest of his days. That feeling that he was perfect in someone's eyes, if only for a night.

THE END


	8. Something To Believe In, Johnny Lucky

Johnny/Lucky

Based on a you tube mvid about this paring.

Note- ignore all of Johnny's history on GH from the moment he met Lulu

**Give Me Something To Believe In**

If Lucky could just turn and walk away from this intensive care unit room he could still salvage his life. No one would ever know about the connection he shared with this man. No one would ever suspect that all the times he slept with Liz and Maxie shared one thing in common....his desperate desire to be seen as someone's whole world.

But did they have heat? Did they have fire? Did they nearly steal the breath out of each other's lungs and stop each other's hearts?

A few years back he would have said "Hell yeah," they did but that's before he knew what true sexual intensity was. That was before he let himself go where he only thought about going before.

It was before he met the man that lay in the bed on the other side of the glass now. The guy he needed to walk away from but nothing in his body seemed to be listening to his mind. And even the wife and kids Lucky had at home weren't enough of a pull to move his feet.

He swallowed hard and remembered when he drove up to the accident scene hours before. Other units and paramedics were already there. The Jaguar had rolled down an embankment after taking a curve too fast. Lucky and Cruz were just there to investigate if the driver had been drinking- look for skid marks, empty bottles of booze, take witness statements, that kind of thing, a typical night for them.

Looking over the side of the hill he didn't expect his eyes to land on a license plate he knew all too well: X TREME Z.

His world spun. His breath hitched. His heart stopped.

Johnny Zacchara was just somebody he met in a bar when he was going through a rough patch in his marriage. Lucky wasn't supposed to be drinking so he headed a town over to Crimson Point. He had no intention of hooking up with anyone...sure as hell not a guy. Those thoughts were for his head and his head only. He was a family man. That's who he had to be. Who he wanted to be. Who he saw himself as since he was a teenager and Liz needed a family, a man, a support system, a hero....him.

He became all she needed and forget all he felt inside about his doubts over being hetro. That was pushed aside for her. She was his world and he never regretted making her that. Not even on their worst day.

Being with Johnny was intoxicating. Intense in a way that Lucky had never known before. It caused such a mess for him. The sneaking around and the lying. The needing to hear his voice every few hours. The fear of saying his name in his sleep. The ache for him when he wasn't around. The anger at him for wanting to move to Port Charles and insinuate himself in Lucky's real life.

It couldn't last. It was too wild. Too crazy. Too perfect and too messy all at the same time. Lucky gave Johnny back the meddolin necklace the younger man had offered him and walked away. Ran away, really.

Back to his safe life as a family man.

And he knew what he was putting in motion. That was the thing that ate at him now. He knew Johnny was unstable. Knew he would lose it over this. Knew he might go looking for trouble and find it.

Lucky knew Johnny might die if he left him....and he left him anyway. But not now. Now he stood gaurd outside his ICU room and soon, very soon, someone was going to start asking why. He knew that was coming. But he still couldn't walk away.

If he did what he wanted to do- hold Johnny's hand till he woke up- even the most in denial person in his life would see the writing on the wall about who Lucky really was deep inside, who he really loved, what he had been hiding all his life and most of all the last year.

He could just turn and go right now. Save his marriage and protect his secret. Johnny would never know Lucky had been here and never know Lucky walked away.

He should just turn and go. But he doesn't. Instead he walks inside the room and takes Johnny's hand, waiting for those deep, disturbed brown eyes to flicker open again, and waiting also for Emily or Liz or Nik to come into this room and ask the question that he is almost ready to answer truthfully: Who is this guy to you?

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

_Let me be dead_, Johnny thought as he came to consciousness, before he opened his eyes. The pain ripping through his body told him that his prayer was wasted.

He had made it through the accident- unfortunately.

Groaning he opened his eyes and heard movement in the room then a soft, unmistakable, gravelly and hoarse "Hey there."

Anger flared through Johnny. He didn't want to ever see his ex-lover again. Especially not now, looking down on him with pity and pretend love. "What are you doing here?"

"Waiting for you to come back to me."

Johnny gave him a look filled with mistrust. "Yeah, well, I'm back. Now get lost. I'm at General Hospital, right? That's in your town. You know the one I'm supposed to turn back from as soon as I cross the city limits."

"Okay, lets deal with all that later. You just woke up. You could have died tonight. Do you know how lucky you are to walk away with just cuts and bruises?"

"Next time I'll make sure to floor it."

"Don't talk like that."

"Why not? What do I have to live for?"

"How about me?"

Johnny didn't want to believe Lucky's words but the tender look in his eyes made it hard not to believe. Maybe, just maybe, Lucky was ready to give up the lies and fake life and try to be a little more real now.

And maybe Johnny did have a reason to keep living after all.

THE END


End file.
